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From My Email Inbox


waving flagTHE 2015 DARWIN AWARDS ARE HERE!!

The 2015 Darwin Awards are finally out. The annual honor given to the persons who did the gene pool the biggest service by killing themselves in the most extraordinarily stupid way.

Last year’s winner was the fellow who was killed by a Coke machine which toppled over on top of him as he was attempting to tip a free soda out.

This year’s winner was a real rocket scientist… HONEST!

Read on…And remember that each and every one of these is TRUE. And the nominees were:

 

Semifinalist #1

A young Canadian man, searching for a way of getting drunk cheaply, because he had no money with which to buy alcohol, mixed gasoline with milk.  Not surprisingly, this concoction made him ill, and he vomited into the fireplace in his house.  The resulting explosion and fire burned his house down, killing both him and his sister.

 

Semifinalist #2

Three Brazilian men were flying in a light aircraft at low altitude when another plane approached. It a appears that they decided to moon the occupants of the other plane, but lost control of their own aircraft and crashed. They were all found dead in the wreckage with their pants around their ankles.

 

Semifinalist #3

A 22-year-old  Reston, VA, man was found dead after he tried to use octopus straps to bungee jump off a 70-foot railroad trestle. Fairfax County police said Eric Barcia, a fast food worker, taped a bunch of these straps together, wrapped an end around one foot, anchored the other end to the trestle at Lake Accotink Park , jumped and hit the pavement. WarrenCarmichael, a police spokesman, said investigators think Barcia was alone because his car was found nearby.  ‘The length of the cord that he had assembled was greater than the distance between the trestle and the ground,’ Carmichael said.  Police say the apparent cause of death was ‘Major trauma.’

 

Semifinalist #4

 A man in Alabama died from rattlesnake bites. It seems that he and a friend were playing a game of catch, using the rattlesnake as a ball. The friend – no doubt a future DarwinAwards candidate – was hospitalized.

 

Semifinalist #5

Employees in a medium-sized warehouse in west Texas noticed the smell of a gas leak. Sensibly, management evacuated the building extinguishing all potential sources of ignition; lights, power, etc.  After the building had been evacuated, two technicians from the gas company were dispatched. Upon entering the building, they found they had difficulty navigating in the dark. To their frustration, none of the lights worked.  Witnesses later described the sight of one of the technicians reaching into his pocket and retrieving an object that resembled a cigarette lighter!

Upon operation of the lighter-like object, the gas in the warehouse exploded, sending pieces of it up to three miles away. Nothing was found of the technicians, but the lighter was virtually untouched by the explosion. The technician suspected of causing the blast had never been thought of as ”bright” by his peers.

Now, the winner of this year’s  Darwin Award (awarded, as always, posthumously):insane

The Arizona Highway Patrol came upon a pile of smoldering metal  embedded in the side of a cliff rising above the road at the apex of a curve.  The wreckage resembled the site of an airplane crash, but it was a car.  The type of car was unidentifiable at the scene. Police investigators finally pieced together the mystery.  An amateur rocket scientist…. had somehow gotten hold of a JATO unit (Jet Assisted Take Off, actually a solid fuel rocket) that is used to give heavy military transport planes an extra ‘push’ for taking off from short airfields. He had driven his Chevy Impala out into the desert and found a long, straight stretch of road.  He attached the JATO unit to the car, jumped in, got up some speed and fired off the JATO!

The facts as best as could be determined are that the operator of the 1967 Impala hit the JATO ignition at a distance of approximately 3.0 miles from the crash site. This was established by the scorched and melted asphalt at that location.

 The JATO, if operating properly, would have reached maximum thrust within 5 seconds, causing the Chevy to reach speeds well in excess of 350 mph and continuing at full power for an additional 20-25 seconds.

 The driver, and soon to be pilot, would have experienced G-forces  usually reserved for dog fighting F-14 jocks under full afterburners, causing him to become irrelevant for the remainder of the event.

 However, the automobile remained on the straight highway for about 2.5 miles (15-20 seconds) before the driver applied and completely melted the brakes, blowing the tires and leaving thick rubber marks on the road surface, then becoming airborne for an additional 1.4 miles and impacting the cliff face at a height of 125 feet leaving a blackened crater 3 feet deep in the rock.

 Most of the driver’s remains were not recoverable. However, small fragments of bone, teeth and hair were extracted from the crater, and  fingernail and bone shards were removed from a piece of debris believed to be a portion of the steering wheel.

 Epilogue : It has been calculated that this moron attained a ground speed of approximately 420-mph, though much of his voyage was not actually on the ground.

You couldn’t make this stuff up, could you? 

AND PEOPLE JUST LIKE THIS ARE ALL AROUND US, BREEDING & VOTING!!!………AND HOLDING PUBLIC OFFICE!!! 

SCARY THOUGHT, ISN’T IT ?!!!

In God We Trust freedom combo 2

Some “Politically INCORRECT” Humor


 

MId Term drawing

Many a truth is spoken in jest. The following is a Dave Letterman Style “Top Ten Reasons to Vote Democrat”

Author Unknown

#10. I vote Democrat because I love the fact that I can now marry whatever I want. I’ve decided to marry my German Shepherd. Same Sex Marriage

#9. I vote Democrat because I believe oil companies’ profits of 4% on a gallon of gas are obscene, but the government taxing the same gallon at 15% isn’t. DemWarProsperityPIX

#8. I vote Democrat because I believe the government will do a better job of spending the money I earn than I would. Decline-of-union-590

#7. I vote Democrat because Freedom of Speech is fine as long as nobody is offended by it. Different Free Speech Ideologies

#6. I vote Democrat because I’m way too irresponsible to own a gun, and I know that my local police are all I need to protect me from murderers and thieves. I am also thankful that we have a 911 service that gets police to your home in order to identify your body after a home invasion. gun-control-cartoon-club-knife

#5. I vote Democrat because I’m not concerned about millions of babies being aborted so long as we keep all death row inmates alive and comfy. Eagle Eggs

#4. I vote Democrat because I think illegal aliens have a right to free health care, education, and Social Security benefits, and we should take away Social Security from those who paid into it. obama-border-is-open-378x257

#3. I vote Democrat because I believe that businesses should not be allowed to make profits for themselves. They never break even and give the rest away to the government for redistribution as the Democrat Party sees fit.1948 Poem

#2. I vote Democrat because I believe liberal judges need to rewrite the Constitution every few days to suit fringe kooks who would never get their agendas past the voters. … Leftist determonation to destroy freedom of religion

And, the #1 reason I vote Democrat is because I think it’s better to pay $billions$ for oil to people who hate us, but not drill our own because it might upset some endangered beetle, gopher, or fish here in America. We don’t care about the beetles, gophers, or fish in those other countries.energy-2014-AEA-600

 Three Star Line

“The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits”… Albert Einstein I know you all will appreciate this definition. The best description of Obama-Care so far:

Remember when Nancy Pelosi said: “We have to pass it, to find out what’s in it”? A physician called into a radio show and said: “That’s the definition of a stool sample.”

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VIDEO: Excellent Parody that Mocks ‘F-Bomb for Feminism’: ‘Screw Your Victimization!’


MId Term drawing

October 26, 2014 By

Original URL of this Posting: http://www.tpnn.com/2014/10/26/video-excellent-parody-that-mocks-f-bomb-for-feminism-screw-your-victimization/

Julies-book-pic
The company FCKH8 recently released a video with the intention of showing words that they believe are more offensive than f*ck. To make their point, which was the spreading of inaccurate progressive propaganda, they used girls as young as age 6 and had them say the words f*ck, a$$, and pen*s over and over again. It was a vile video that took advantage of the innocence of youth.

Libertarian Julie Borowski has a brilliant comedic parody response to this ridiculous video. She not only makes fun of it, she completely debunks the propaganda spewed with cold hard facts. In an interview with The Blaze, Borowski said, “I’d love for more people to see a response to the video instead of ‘our side’ just continuing to post the original video.” 

It is a must see video that everyone against the destructive, lie-filled, progressive propaganda.

potty mouthed
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Moderate Islam: A MYTH!


Obamacare

Read more at http://conservativebyte.com/2014/09/moderate-islam-myth/#GgBX0V0ZkuR1iebg.99

Posted on by Conservative Byte

Steven Crowder is at it again. Showing the facts of the lie of the “moderate Muslim” with a little humor mixed it.

It is amazing how liberals can’t come to grips with the idea of an evil religion.

Check it out:crowder

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You Might be a Radical Muslim


Complete Message
Have you ever wondered why it’s OK to make jokes about Catholics, the Pope, Jews, Christians, the Irish, the Italians, the FoxworthyPolish, the Chinese, the French including French Canadians etc, but its insensitive to make jokes about Muslims?
We need to level the playing field for the sake of political correctness…

 Jeff Foxworthy on Muslims:

  1. If you refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to liquor, You may be a radical Muslim.
  2. If you own a $3,000 machine gun and a $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can’t afford shoes, You may be a radical Muslim.
  3. If you have more wives than teeth, You may be a radical Muslim.
  4. If you wipe your butt with your bare hand but consider bacon to be unclean, You may be a radical Muslim.
  5. If you think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide. You may be a radical Muslim. 
  6. If you can’t think of anyone you haven’t declared jihad against, You may be a radical Muslim.
  7. If you consider television dangerous but routinely carry explosives in your clothing, You may be a radical Muslim.
  8. If you were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs, You may be a radical Muslim.
  9. If you have nothing against women and think every man should own at least four, You may be a radical Muslim.
Human bomb
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BEWARE the Belief Vigilantes! (It’s not about the guy with the beard)


They created a gi-normous list of blacklisted words. (Whoopsie! DUCKS #1 BLACKLISTED glasses & words“Blacklisted” became the first offensive words to be b****listed because it implied a racist belief). The thin-skinned ones also created a rather short list of acceptable, non-offensive words. They became the “Word Gestapos,” and roamed the land to ensure that seldom was heard a discouraging . . . or offensive word.

Then someone pointed out that words were not the problem. In fact, they had never, ever been the problem. Words were nothing more than proof positive of beliefs held by the person speaking the words. Therefore, in order to eliminate offensive words, it would be necessary to change the offensive beliefs that had caused them to be spoken.

And so, the thin-skinned and much-too-sensitive folks re-branded themselves as The “Belief Vigilantes,” and launched a national campaign to guarantee correct and non-offensive beliefs. CHILDREN DRESSED AS HIZBOLLAH GUERRILLAS MARCH DURING PARADE TO CELEBRATE JERUSALEM DAY IN BEIRUTThey enlisted Hollywood celebrities, film industry moguls, and left-stream media and lobbied for mandatory “belief correction” classes and rehab programs (covered by government-approved health insurance) for everyone over the age of 6.

Next, the Belief Vigilantes launched a massive PR campaign focused on correct beliefs regarding racism, sexism, feminism, same-sex marriage, birth and climate control, Judeo/Christian beliefs, the obsolete Constitution, home schooling, red or white wine, etc., etc., etc.

But, drats and darn (the only approved words to describe disappointment), citizens continued to live their lives, using the b***klisted words, unaware of and unaffected by the Vigilantes’ correct-belief campaign.

In became obvious that in order to capture national attention to their cause, the Belief Vigilantes needed a scapegoat.

Shazam! Along came a magazine interview with the perfect candidate: a bearded, self-made millionaire, reality TV star, and straight-talking founder from the Duck Kingdom. DUCKS #3 rubber ducksWhen a reporter had asked for an opinion, the Bearded One responded by expressing his beliefs regarding sexual preference and various body parts.

Whoopie Ki Yea! The Belief Vigilantes sprang into action, screaming and yelling about how his Neanderthal comments had offended them. The brouhaha became a breaking-and-non-stop story across the country. Millions of citizens, for the first time, began discussions about how, when, where, and “IF” it was appropriate to express deeply held beliefs that might differ from deeply held beliefs of others.

The Belief Vigilantes jumped up and down in celebration and clicked together the heels of their all-natural, handmade hemp sandals. “At last, citizens are beginning to understand the importance of correct beliefs (which we determine) and correct speech (which we also determine).”

Empowered by the prospect of a national referendum on correct beliefs, the Vigilantes lobbied the network to demand a public apology and command the Bearded One to shut the heck up and accept suspension until it was decided if he could/would/should return to his own reality show.

However, attempts to shame and quiet the Bearded One ran off him like water on a duck’s back. He stood tall and acknowledged that he was entitled to express his beliefs whenever, wherever, and however he wanted to, and he affirmed that same right for everyone.

Then, an unexpected phenomenon occurred. Millions of good and decent people spoke up. “You don’t want people to express beliefs that are different from yours? Well, tough beans! We have freedom of belief and freedom of speech in this country and we’ll speak our truths whether you trolls like it or not!”

The Belief Vigilantes whined, “Your comments have offended us.”

Pissed-off citizens responded with, “Who the duck cares?”

And then, in a show DUCKS #4 BO & Mof support for the Bearded One and his right to speak his beliefs, millions of moms and dads and grandmothers and grandfathers and uncles and aunts bought Duck Kingdom products and began to wear camouflage hats, scarves, and fake beards.

A duck kazoo song-and-dance routine became wildly popular, went viral and was performed spontaneously in shopping malls around the country.

Supporters of freedom of belief and speech had won. Broken hearted and dispirited, Belief Vigilantes suspended their activities. Many of them enrolled in de-sensitivity training. Others received thick-skin transplants (covered by government-mandated health insurance). 99% of the former Vigilantes graduated from rehab and lived happily, happily, happily ever after as productive members of society.

What about the 1% who dropped out of rehab and retained their thin-skinned attitudes? Determined to live in a country dominated by belief control, they immigrated to North Korea and lived unhappily ever after.

The end.

THIS JUST IN:  Friday PM:  A&E has bowed in deference to commerce and are allowing Phil to return to filming which begins in the spring. Hmmmm.

Molli for JoeMolli Nickell, a commentator for TheBlaze, posts additional fables at her webside: www.grannyguerrillas.com.  To look inside her book, “Uncle SCAM’S Book of Politically Incorrect Fables,  CLICK HERE. This quick-read, 96-page book will entertain, educate, and amuse the patriots as well as the low-information voters in your personal universe. Pass it around! Save 25% off the cover price of $7.95 when you order through createspace (the e-commerce division of Amazon.com). Use discount code TG4NRPFB.

President Obama’s heroic new euphemism initiative


President Obama’s presidency is collapsing from accusations of corruption to  incompetence, and White House spokesman Jay Carney is on the hot seat trying to  defend him. The best and brightest minds of the left have been called in to try  and stem the tide of bad news and turn things around. Although it will be an  expensive new government program, the Obama administration finally believes it  has the right approach to get America moving in the right direction.

President Obama is now prepared to “invest” in a “new euphemism” initiative. Millions of dollars will be spent on hiring  marketing consultants to come up with new slogans to change the meaning of  words.

Glitches in Obamacare will now be “prequels to success.”

Benghazi will be explained by pointing out that the  Obama administration has a “99% diplomat survival rate.”

Americans giving up on finding jobs will be praised as “a nation finally  taking time to relax and enjoy time off.”

Obama is also guaranteed a couple of decades from now to remaining “one of  the top 50 American presidents of all time.”

If the consultants fail to come up with real words, the administration will  bring back comedian Rich Hall from the 1980s to reintroduce “Sniglets.” Failing  that, they will borrow Vice President Joe Biden’s Dr. Seuss books for ideas.

In case the new verbiage rollout encounters glitches, Obama administration  officials will roll out the same recycled excuses and euphemisms for failure but  refer to them as new.

“Forward” is the new “forward.”

“Fairness” will be used interchangeably with “fair share.”

“Let me be clear” will be given various spicy but already used adjectives  such as “crystal,” “perfectly” and “totally.” Whether or not these words will be  used in sentences conveying any meaning or truth is “not entirely” clear.

“Make no mistake about it” will be used to convey that President Obama screwed something up royally. So  will “teachable moments.”

The word “investing” will still be a euphemism for spending into bankruptcy,  and every destructive social program will be declared redeemable as long as it  is “for the children.”

“Progressives” who then became “liberals” who then became “progressives” again will again avoid using their actual title of “failures.”

While the Obama Euphemism Initiative is already expected to be a complete  failure, Obama supporters have declared it a success. It did not achieve  anything, but it felt good to say.

”We don’t need no stinkin’ private business sector”


BO don't need no stinking constitutionOnce upon a time, two high school buddies, Steve Jobs and Steve Wozniak, decided they could build a graphics-friendly home computer. They set up shop in the Wozniak family garage, hand-crafted 50 computers and sold them to a retail computer outlet. When the computers sold quickly, Steve and Steve realized their product had potential. They needed capital (money) to expand production. A successful businessman co-signed a bank loan for a $250,000 cash infusion that enabled Steve and Steve, in 1976, to officially establish Apple Computer. Now, 37 years later, Apple is valued at $651.51 BILLION dollars and has generated hundreds of products and thousands of jobs all over the world.

Could these two entrepreneurs duplicate their business success today in America? HAHAHA! Are you kidding?

Fast forward to 2013. The Wozniak family own their home and property and have the Constitutional right to use it as they wish. The government doesn’t agree. In order to operate a two-person business in a residential garage, Steve and Steve are required to re-zone the hood, obtain multiple permits for this and that, and pay hundreds of dollars in fees.Uncle SCAM and control

Uncle SCAM sends an inspector from OSHA (Occupational Safety and Health Administration) to evaluate the workplace, lunchroom/mom’s kitchen, and employee/guest bathroom to be sure government standards are being met. OSHA determines the environment is satisfactory and approves access for all company personnel (meaning Steve and Steve).

The OSHA inspector also determines that the most up-to-date and correct permits,business licenses, safety and grievance procedures are posted at the correct height in the correct space on their correct bulletin board which is correctly attached to the correct wall stud. Not too high, not too low, but just right and in accordance with OSHA rules.

Steve and Steve are mandated to install a double-locked storage cabinet for hazardous garage equipment like rakes and hedge clippers in order to prevent unauthorized access and potentially harmful use by a potential future employee with potential emotional issues and the potential to go postal.

OSHA rules require that resident rodent eradicators  (like the family cat who has unlimited access to the garage/office/workspace), be properly licensed and checked for fleas and other vermin. When Tabby is observed catching and killing an errant mouse, Steve and Steve are required to file a wrongful death report. This generates a visit from PETA (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals) who demand the use of humane traps, and require Tabby to attend a “Capture and Release” seminar in Las Vegas, co-sponsored by the GSA (Government Service Agency).

Despite wasting non-productive hours filling out useless OSHA reports and excessive government forms of every type imaginable, Apple’s sales increase until it becomes necessary to hire several employees and occupy a larger production facility.

bank of dadHowever, Steve and Steve hit a snag. When expansion money is unavailable from the usual financial institutions, they turn to old reliable . . .  the bank of Mom and Dad.

However, this bank is closed due to depleted savings and 401(k) retirement accounts. Both mom and dad are restricted to part-time work and must purchase government-approved health insurance that costs 50 to 75% more than before.

So, Steve and Steve, along with Mom and Dad and assorted relatives and friends, locate part-time jobs flippin’ burgers and stocking Walmart shelves to generate expansion capital. Their hard work pays off. They accumulate what they need, move their facility to an industrial park and hire workers.

All goes well until Steve and Steve hire their 51st employee.

“Knock! Knock!” (And no, it’s not Avon calling.) It’s the IRS arriving to exercise the Supreme-Court-granted right to collect health insurance taxes. The agent demands proof of government-approved coverage, then sets about fingerprinting and DNA mouth swabbing all employees. When Steve and Steve object to this un-Constitutional action, the IRS agent quotes the president, “Constitution? We don’t need no stinkin’ Constitution.”

By this time, Steve and Steve realize the extent of ongoing government surveillance by the IRS and OSHA, and the profit-eating nature of having to provide health insurance for all employees. They close up shop.BO benefit card

Their former employees trek down to the government-run unemployment office looking for jobs. A counselor advises them to exercise their Constitutional Rights for life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness, and signs them up for welfare, food stamps, disability, and cell phones.

Meanwhile, back in the Wozniak garage, ever-creative Steve and Steve invent the all-in-one-apple-pie-mixer-and-easy-bake oven. A trip to the Shark Tank TV program introduces Steve and Steve to Laurie who presents their apple-pie-mixer and-easy-bake oven to the Home Shopping Network. Their product launches with $3 MILLION dollars in initial orders which finances construction of production facilities in business-friendly Singapore.

Sound like a winning scenario? Not really. Because of un-Constitutional interference by a government on steroids, hundreds and thousands of jobs are not created, billions of dollars in personal income and tax revenue is never generated. The world eats apple pie instead of computing, phoning, texting, playing games, shooting videos, or reading books on Apple anything.

START THE CONVERSATION: Pass this politically incorrect fable on to a low-information voter, then ask if they believe government has the Constitutional right to control private sector business.

If you’d enjoy a sneak preview of Molli’s upcoming book, “Uncle SCAM Wants Your Money and Your Country,” to be published in August,  CLICK HERE. A former publisher, Time-Life editor, motivational speaker, and author, Molli writes Politically Incorrect Fables to enlighten low-information voters, fire up patriots, and irritate progressives. Additional fables and daily rants are posted at www.grannyguerrillas.com

Wimplympics


Obama-BikeHello and welcome to the 2013 Wimplympics!

We are broadcasting live from Anywhere, U.S.A!

The events to follow evince nothing of the spirit of competition, the finest examples of human perseverance and achievement, or the thrill of victory. Rather, what spectators are about to see is the dogged pursuit by one U.S. President of unsurpassed irrelevance, astonishing timidity, and unbelievably tragic fecklessness.

It is quite literally the quest of one man to fundamentally transform the United States from the world’s pre-eminent superpower into the world’s smallest, weakest, most annoying younger brother.

Strap yourselves in, folks. We have some incredible contests to show you!

 

EVENT 1: 3-NATION SNOWDEN RELAY

 

The rules of this event are simple: a member of the United States team must sprint to a rival nation after revealing massive amounts of classified data. The U.S. team and rival teams must then jockey and exert force against one another in order to determine where the defector member of the U.S. team ultimately lands.

In the 2013 games the captain of the U.S. team, President Barack Obama, opted to forego phase two of the competition. Instead of exerting force, President Obama abandoned the competition. The U.S. President benched his entire team and substituted a group of lawyers to compete in their place. In a move that nobody would ever call bold, the United States has pursued a strategy of begging, hat in hand, for cooperation from rival nation states.

Official results of the Snowden Relay are still pending, but at present the United States is well ahead of the field in the pursuit of feckless, whimpering Gold.

 

Barrack-Obama-and-IranEVENT 2: NUCLEAR MISSILE PUT

 

In an unprecedented turn of events, the United States invented a new field event. The event begins with a singularly powerful, just, democratic nation dismantling their most powerful weapons and publicly throwing them as far away as possible. Once the weapons are abandoned, the abandoning nation must then humble itself in front of other adversary nations; begging for them to follow suit on both knees with hands clasped as if in contrite prayer.

If the abandoning nation’s pleas go entirely unheeded and all rival nations remain fully armed (and also consequently strengthened and emboldened) the abandoning nation’s Wimplympics event score is maximized.

In the 2013 Nuclear Missile Put competition there were no other entrants. It appears the U.S. will take the Gold medal home by default as well as establishing a new Wimplympics record for “most power unilaterally abandoned by a nation”.

 

EVENT 3: RED LINE HOPSCOTCH MARATHON

 

The longest event of the games originates in Syria and circles around Iran and China before patently ignoring the United States. In a circuitous 2+ year marathon of Assad regime repression, abuse, and criminal conduct against humanity itself, the United States has been unexpectedly absent from the competition.

However, in a shockingly effective move, President Obama vaulted the United States to the head of the Wimplympics Red Line Hopscotch Marathon event pack with a two-pronged attack.

  • obama's-red-line-in-syriaThe American Captain at first stated that the use of chemical weapons by the Assad regime would be unacceptable; a “red line”, and further intimated that use of said weapons would cause the President to recalculate U.S. involvement in the Syrian conflict.
  • The Assad regime, immediately and predictably, employed chemical weapons against its own people. This caused the American captain to forget what the words “red” and “line” mean, and to forget that he had ever uttered those words in the first place.

After a lackluster start, the United States had an incredible late surge to capture Wimplympics Gold in the Red Line Hopscotch Marathon.

This amazing comeback caps off a trio of victories for the American team. Such astounding lack of resolve and action is something never before seen from the United States, leading to unprecedented success in the 2013 Games of the Wimplympiad!

 

EVENT 4: WORLD CLOSING CEREMONIES

 

The grand finale of the 2013 Games features an awe-inspiring spectacle. As both North Korea and Iran parade nuclear weapons programs around the stadium, the United States has given up competing in any way at all.

North Korean captain and Kung Fu Panda doppelganger Kim Jong-un dutifully thanks his forebears for their wisdom and graciousness in leaving him a nation of starving, destitute farmers as well as aspirations of a missile that both launches AND flies!

PutinRingAs Russian despot Vladimir Putin leads his Russian team around the stadium he seems to need no words to silence the crowd. Instead, he quietly holds aloft the likely-pilfered New England Patriots Super Bowl ring as an undeniable reminder that, in the era of the Obama Presidency, what bullies want…bullies get.

Instead of offering opposition to hostile nation states in the world stadium, the American team has quit the field altogether. Looking over the grounds, we find team United States has taken over the concession stand instead of partaking in closing ceremonies.

The American snack bar sells both global warming and government-provided health care, but a “SOLD OUT” sticker is plastered over the line item “American Resolve”. The prices are excruciating and the aftertaste is horrific, but in keeping away from the competition altogether the United States has acted brilliantly to capture yet another first place in the 4th and final Wimplympics event.

Technically there shouldn’t even be a medal for closing ceremonies, but since team America has abandoned even the appearance of intestinal fortitude, the Wimplympics Committee has seen fit to have an additional Gold created. This one bears the face of Wimplympics domination; U.S. President Barack Obama.

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