They created a gi-normous list of blacklisted words. (Whoopsie! “Blacklisted” became the first offensive words to be b****listed because it implied a racist belief). The thin-skinned ones also created a rather short list of acceptable, non-offensive words. They became the “Word Gestapos,” and roamed the land to ensure that seldom was heard a discouraging . . . or offensive word.
Then someone pointed out that words were not the problem. In fact, they had never, ever been the problem. Words were nothing more than proof positive of beliefs held by the person speaking the words. Therefore, in order to eliminate offensive words, it would be necessary to change the offensive beliefs that had caused them to be spoken.
And so, the thin-skinned and much-too-sensitive folks re-branded themselves as The “Belief Vigilantes,” and launched a national campaign to guarantee correct and non-offensive beliefs. They enlisted Hollywood celebrities, film industry moguls, and left-stream media and lobbied for mandatory “belief correction” classes and rehab programs (covered by government-approved health insurance) for everyone over the age of 6.
Next, the Belief Vigilantes launched a massive PR campaign focused on correct beliefs regarding racism, sexism, feminism, same-sex marriage, birth and climate control, Judeo/Christian beliefs, the obsolete Constitution, home schooling, red or white wine, etc., etc., etc.
But, drats and darn (the only approved words to describe disappointment), citizens continued to live their lives, using the b***klisted words, unaware of and unaffected by the Vigilantes’ correct-belief campaign.
In became obvious that in order to capture national attention to their cause, the Belief Vigilantes needed a scapegoat.
Shazam! Along came a magazine interview with the perfect candidate: a bearded, self-made millionaire, reality TV star, and straight-talking founder from the Duck Kingdom. When a reporter had asked for an opinion, the Bearded One responded by expressing his beliefs regarding sexual preference and various body parts.
Whoopie Ki Yea! The Belief Vigilantes sprang into action, screaming and yelling about how his Neanderthal comments had offended them. The brouhaha became a breaking-and-non-stop story across the country. Millions of citizens, for the first time, began discussions about how, when, where, and “IF” it was appropriate to express deeply held beliefs that might differ from deeply held beliefs of others.
The Belief Vigilantes jumped up and down in celebration and clicked together the heels of their all-natural, handmade hemp sandals. “At last, citizens are beginning to understand the importance of correct beliefs (which we determine) and correct speech (which we also determine).”
Empowered by the prospect of a national referendum on correct beliefs, the Vigilantes lobbied the network to demand a public apology and command the Bearded One to shut the heck up and accept suspension until it was decided if he could/would/should return to his own reality show.
However, attempts to shame and quiet the Bearded One ran off him like water on a duck’s back. He stood tall and acknowledged that he was entitled to express his beliefs whenever, wherever, and however he wanted to, and he affirmed that same right for everyone.
Then, an unexpected phenomenon occurred. Millions of good and decent people spoke up. “You don’t want people to express beliefs that are different from yours? Well, tough beans! We have freedom of belief and freedom of speech in this country and we’ll speak our truths whether you trolls like it or not!”
The Belief Vigilantes whined, “Your comments have offended us.”
Pissed-off citizens responded with, “Who the duck cares?”
And then, in a show of support for the Bearded One and his right to speak his beliefs, millions of moms and dads and grandmothers and grandfathers and uncles and aunts bought Duck Kingdom products and began to wear camouflage hats, scarves, and fake beards.
A duck kazoo song-and-dance routine became wildly popular, went viral and was performed spontaneously in shopping malls around the country.
Supporters of freedom of belief and speech had won. Broken hearted and dispirited, Belief Vigilantes suspended their activities. Many of them enrolled in de-sensitivity training. Others received thick-skin transplants (covered by government-mandated health insurance). 99% of the former Vigilantes graduated from rehab and lived happily, happily, happily ever after as productive members of society.
What about the 1% who dropped out of rehab and retained their thin-skinned attitudes? Determined to live in a country dominated by belief control, they immigrated to North Korea and lived unhappily ever after.
THIS JUST IN: Friday PM: A&E has bowed in deference to commerce and are allowing Phil to return to filming which begins in the spring. Hmmmm.
Molli Nickell, a commentator for TheBlaze, posts additional fables at her webside: www.grannyguerrillas.com. To look inside her book, “Uncle SCAM’S Book of Politically Incorrect Fables, CLICK HERE. This quick-read, 96-page book will entertain, educate, and amuse the patriots as well as the low-information voters in your personal universe. Pass it around! Save 25% off the cover price of $7.95 when you order through createspace (the e-commerce division of Amazon.com). Use discount code TG4NRPFB.