Hello and welcome to the 2013 Wimplympics!
We are broadcasting live from Anywhere, U.S.A!
The events to follow evince nothing of the spirit of competition, the finest examples of human perseverance and achievement, or the thrill of victory. Rather, what spectators are about to see is the dogged pursuit by one U.S. President of unsurpassed irrelevance, astonishing timidity, and unbelievably tragic fecklessness.
It is quite literally the quest of one man to fundamentally transform the United States from the world’s pre-eminent superpower into the world’s smallest, weakest, most annoying younger brother.
Strap yourselves in, folks. We have some incredible contests to show you!
EVENT 1: 3-NATION SNOWDEN RELAY
The rules of this event are simple: a member of the United States team must sprint to a rival nation after revealing massive amounts of classified data. The U.S. team and rival teams must then jockey and exert force against one another in order to determine where the defector member of the U.S. team ultimately lands.
In the 2013 games the captain of the U.S. team, President Barack Obama, opted to forego phase two of the competition. Instead of exerting force, President Obama abandoned the competition. The U.S. President benched his entire team and substituted a group of lawyers to compete in their place. In a move that nobody would ever call bold, the United States has pursued a strategy of begging, hat in hand, for cooperation from rival nation states.
Official results of the Snowden Relay are still pending, but at present the United States is well ahead of the field in the pursuit of feckless, whimpering Gold.
EVENT 2: NUCLEAR MISSILE PUT
In an unprecedented turn of events, the United States invented a new field event. The event begins with a singularly powerful, just, democratic nation dismantling their most powerful weapons and publicly throwing them as far away as possible. Once the weapons are abandoned, the abandoning nation must then humble itself in front of other adversary nations; begging for them to follow suit on both knees with hands clasped as if in contrite prayer.
If the abandoning nation’s pleas go entirely unheeded and all rival nations remain fully armed (and also consequently strengthened and emboldened) the abandoning nation’s Wimplympics event score is maximized.
In the 2013 Nuclear Missile Put competition there were no other entrants. It appears the U.S. will take the Gold medal home by default as well as establishing a new Wimplympics record for “most power unilaterally abandoned by a nation”.
EVENT 3: RED LINE HOPSCOTCH MARATHON
The longest event of the games originates in Syria and circles around Iran and China before patently ignoring the United States. In a circuitous 2+ year marathon of Assad regime repression, abuse, and criminal conduct against humanity itself, the United States has been unexpectedly absent from the competition.
However, in a shockingly effective move, President Obama vaulted the United States to the head of the Wimplympics Red Line Hopscotch Marathon event pack with a two-pronged attack.
- The American Captain at first stated that the use of chemical weapons by the Assad regime would be unacceptable; a “red line”, and further intimated that use of said weapons would cause the President to recalculate U.S. involvement in the Syrian conflict.
- The Assad regime, immediately and predictably, employed chemical weapons against its own people. This caused the American captain to forget what the words “red” and “line” mean, and to forget that he had ever uttered those words in the first place.
After a lackluster start, the United States had an incredible late surge to capture Wimplympics Gold in the Red Line Hopscotch Marathon.
This amazing comeback caps off a trio of victories for the American team. Such astounding lack of resolve and action is something never before seen from the United States, leading to unprecedented success in the 2013 Games of the Wimplympiad!
EVENT 4: WORLD CLOSING CEREMONIES
The grand finale of the 2013 Games features an awe-inspiring spectacle. As both North Korea and Iran parade nuclear weapons programs around the stadium, the United States has given up competing in any way at all.
North Korean captain and Kung Fu Panda doppelganger Kim Jong-un dutifully thanks his forebears for their wisdom and graciousness in leaving him a nation of starving, destitute farmers as well as aspirations of a missile that both launches AND flies!
As Russian despot Vladimir Putin leads his Russian team around the stadium he seems to need no words to silence the crowd. Instead, he quietly holds aloft the likely-pilfered New England Patriots Super Bowl ring as an undeniable reminder that, in the era of the Obama Presidency, what bullies want…bullies get.
Instead of offering opposition to hostile nation states in the world stadium, the American team has quit the field altogether. Looking over the grounds, we find team United States has taken over the concession stand instead of partaking in closing ceremonies.
The American snack bar sells both global warming and government-provided health care, but a “SOLD OUT” sticker is plastered over the line item “American Resolve”. The prices are excruciating and the aftertaste is horrific, but in keeping away from the competition altogether the United States has acted brilliantly to capture yet another first place in the 4th and final Wimplympics event.
Technically there shouldn’t even be a medal for closing ceremonies, but since team America has abandoned even the appearance of intestinal fortitude, the Wimplympics Committee has seen fit to have an additional Gold created. This one bears the face of Wimplympics domination; U.S. President Barack Obama.