Aug. 29, 2014 12:00pm
Molli Nickell is the author of “Uncle Scam Want$ Your Money & Your Country,” a collection of Politically Incorrect Fables. Her daily rants and fables also are available at her blog where she writes as a Granny Guerrilla to entertain and enlighten low-information voters, amuse patriots, and piss off progressives.
Once upon a time, Big Kahuna, a mega-rich, all powerful troll, stomped around his palace.
Why was he so unhappy, unhappy, unhappy? Although he had more money than he could ever spend, and owned key politicians around the globe, he had never been able to make inroads into seizing control of the country he most coveted.
And so it came to be that Big Kahuna devised a diabolical, top-down-bottom up-inside-out stealth plan. Its success would fundamentally transform a freedom-loving country of good and honorable people into a socialistic state with himself as Enforcer-in-Chief.
But first, he must locate a puppet. An egotistical, lazy, adoration-craving sociopath who could read a teleprompter script like nobody’s business.
Courtesy of Author.
Lo and behold, he didn’t have to search very far or very wide until he discovered the perfect candidate, an inexperienced junior state senator, a Saul Alinsky desciple, who mostly voted “present” on the rare occasions when he actually was in the Senate chambers. Much of his time was devoted to hitting golf balls or traveling hither and yon, promoting his self-aggrandizing biography (written by an someone else.)
Even though he had not accomplished anything of importance, uninformed voters were captivated by the junior state senator’s teleprompter speeches, sparkly teeth, adorable Dumbo ears, and wife who had become proud of her country for the very first time.
Little Dude Messiah signed on to Big Kahuna’s program and agreed to follow his script to the letter during the presidential campaign. He practiced a Southern drawl, sympathetic facial expressions, and learned to deliver an enthusiastic “hope and change” mantra that riled up his fan base.
Then came the phony-baloney promises.
Little Dude Messiah declared he would create high-paying jobs for everyone, force the rich to pay their fair share, dole out freebies to the poor and/or to those who didn’t want to work, and redistribute the wealth at home and abroad. He’d faithfully promote the trumped-up climate-change threat, and initiate Peace Day by teaching world leaders to sing in “perfect harmony.”
Courtesy of Author.
Little Dude Messiah won the presidency (thanks to buckets of illegal campaign contributions, lax voting rules, and ballot box stuffing), and moved into the People’s House, along with Big Kahuna’s hand-picked henchmen, union thugs, lawyers, socialists, a commie or two, and a few Muslim Brotherhood members. These “advisors” were tasked with keeping Little Dude Messiah on point.
Then, as planned, every single one of Little Dude Messiah’s “restore America” programs failed.
Sticking to the script, he pointed fingers of blame at the prior administration, red necks who clung to God and guns, his political opposition, ATMs, conservative radio and television, the internet, and those greedy bastards on Wall Street.
Through it all, he played golf, hosted celebrity pals at lavish parties in the People’s House, enjoyed frequent vacations, and presented “Aren’t I Wonderful” campaign fund-raising speeches far and wide.
When the time came for his “contract” to be renewed, Big Kahuna handed Little Dude Messiah an updated list of major goals to be accomplished during his second term.
Little Dude Messiah sputtered, “But . . . but . . . but . . . Congress won’t allow any of these!”
Big Kahuna replied, “Who said anything about Congress? Using pen and phone, you’ll allow the rise of the Islamic State caliphate in the Mid-east, support the Hamas “destroy Israel” agenda, ignore Iran’s nuclear success, and look the other way when Russia invades Ukraine. You’ll change America’s demographics by granting amnesty to 20 million illegal aliens. Plus, you’ll continue to welcome “reformed” terrorists into your country as you fan the flames of discontent in your entitlement slaves, and promote racism far and wide.
Little Dude Messiah frowned as he read additional instructions. “But . . . but . . . but . . . wait a minute. What about my legacy? When chaos reigns on our streets and war rages around the world, this will mean every single one of my programs have failed.”
You promised I’d be the most successful president of all time, not the most failed.
Big Kahuna reassured him.
“You might appear to fail in every arena, but, you will never take the blame. Media will deflect your responsibility to ‘others.’ The Internal Revenue Service will shut down your opposition. Gullible citizens who watch lame-stream TV will love how valiantly you try, try, try, but are unable to succeed because of the Tea Party and other terrorists groups.
You’ll be provided with tear-inducing speeches for every occasion. And you will stay on script at all times. No more off-the-cuff stupid remarks about celebrating your birthday or eating dog meat when you were a child in Indonesia. You will never attempt to act charming, cute, or endearing. You lack sufficient talent to appear authentic.”
Little Dude Messiah responded, “But . . . but . . . but . . . my adoring public can only be deceived for so long. When the Islamic State uses chemical weapons, when Iran nukes Israel, when the full misery of Messiah-Medical Care hits, and when the country falls into a massive depression, I’ll be blamed.”
Big Kahuna shrugged. “Could happen.”
“But . . . but . . . but . . . you promised.”
“Sometimes things just don’t work out. Collateral damage you know,” said Big Kahuna.
Little Dude Messiah pouted, “But . . . but . . . but . . . Voters will be so pissed off they’ll send my left wing political supporters packin’. A conservative Senate and House of Representatives will block my. . . ah . . . I mean your agenda.”
He threw the contract on the ground. “I won’t do this.”
Big Kahuna smiled. “Fine. Don’t. When I leak your college records and reveal how you received free college tuition because you were a foreign student with an Indonesian passport, you’ll become ineligible to hold office. Joe will take over.”
“That doofus? Are you kiddin’ me?”
Big Kahuna shrugged. “Joe’s a good ole’ soldier, even though he’s not very bright. He’ll fall on his sword after appointing Hillary as Vice President. She’ll be set to win in 2016.”
“What if I tell?”
“What if Air Force One flies into a mountain?
Little Dude, you might just as well go along and get along. Play golf. Take vacations. Fly around the country and deliver speeches to your kool-aid drinkers. Continue to play the idealistic fool in conferences with America’s former friends in Europe. Support terrorists at home and abroad in the name of equality. Ignore the impending war in the Middle East. STAY OUT OF THE WAY! Am I clear?”
Little Dude Messiah pouted as he picked up the contract.
“You gotta’ pen?”
Courtesy of Author.
P.S. Want a little more snark in your day? An almost DAILY RANT is available on Molli’s website, along with a FREE download of her quick-read book, “Uncle SCAM Wants Your Money and Your Country.” Use her humor to help you initiate conversations with the less-aware people in your universe. Entertain first, then enlighten them with the truth about our need to wake up, wise up, stand up, speak out, and push back to fundamentally un-transform Obama’s America back into our America. Of, by, and for ALL the people.
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